Just Me

Tonight, I'm in a really weird mood.

I'm just me--for all the world to see.

It's been a long time since I've been just me.

Usually, I'm in character.  A character that is like me, of course, but not all of me.  There is a proper mask in the appropriate character painted for every occasion and sort of company.  But all of them are at least three shades more pale--more boring--than just me.  That's not an accident.  It's only possible to avoid notice and fit seamlessly into the setting if we are painted perfectly for the part at hand.  So there is a proper character for giving a speech or singing a solo or teaching a class or writing a blog post.

And then there is just me.  Me is the one that pops out around true friends--sweet or dorky or snarky or convicted.  But now me is just tired down to the core and content, but not really sure how to describe that weird feeling that comes from watching a pink and purple sunset over tree-covered mountains and more than a little disgruntled at the unusual lack of words.

And so
to bed I go.

Why Anger?

Earlier today, I received a writing prompt that asked, "What really makes you angry about the world?"  Having recently returned from a successful and fulfilling day at work and reveled in the beauty of the weather, I felt myself to be at peace with the world.  So the first question on my mind was, "Why anger?"

Is anger supposed to be the emotion that first moves us or the one that moves us the farthest?  Why not love (of which I have already written quite enough for a long time)?  Or joy?  Or beauty?  Or peace?  Considering our sinful human nature, I have no doubt that anger is one of the hottest passions in our souls.  Occasionally, that anger might even be right and productive if it is carefully directed and controlled (John 2:14-17 ESV).  But the Scriptures urge us to temper our passions rather than feeding them.  "Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city" (Prov. 16:32)

There is a reason that we are directed to temperance.  Oftentimes, our anger is not the pure sort directed against evil or injustice for the sake of others' good.  My own anger frequently results from hurt.  That might also be a productive sort of anger if it were directed toward removing the cause for the would, sometimes merely by stating my hurt.  Yet is is also in those times that we can choose to hide our hurt from others by cloaking it in anger or even try to remove the supposed "cause" of our wounding by locking others out of our hearts and lives.  Often I choose this route only because I have no idea how to communicate my hurt effectively.

And so I will finally answer the question above.  Nothing can make me angry at the world.  Sometimes, I choose anger at particular circumstances where wrong has been committed if I hope to effect a change.  Other times, I choose anger in order to hide my own weakness or pain.  But here is how I find peace: by giving my pain and anger and guilt to the only one who really does really know what to do with it.  God.

Responses to God's Call

Have you ever run from God's calling?  I have--more times that I would like to admit.  My object is never to actually disobey God, but I protest and grumble and ask Him why He couldn't have thought of someone older or wiser or less ignorant or less feeling to do His bidding in a particular situation.  It really is rather like the conversation Moses had with God before going to get the children of Israel (Ex. 3-4).

The thought crossed my mind to call this the Moses Complex.  But that really is too dignified a name for my problem.  It is merely the habit of making excuses.  And each of these excuses, if we look closely enough, bears another name.  Laziness, pride, selfishness, miserliness, cowardice, faithlessness, and rebellion are just a few of their names.  On reading the conversation between Moses and God the other night, I was astonished to realize that God got angry with Moses over this bad habit of his (and mine).  It was not merely disappointment at this shy servant's reticence; it was anger over his determination to argue with the God of the universe! (Ex. 4:14)  I have no desire to rile the God of the universe myself, so I looked for other examples of responses to God's calling.  Here are the ones I have found:

• Samuel said, "Here am I" (I Sam. 3).
• Esther fasted and prayed before courageously going before the king without regard for her own safety (Es. 4)
• Job said, "Blessed be the name of the Lord" (Job 1:21).
• Jonah took flight (Jon. 1:1-3).
• Mary said, "Behold the handmaid of the Lord" (Lk. 1).
• Jesus said, "Not my will but thine be done" (Matt. 26).

There are many better responses to God's will than excuses and whining, and they serve as reminders to us to respond more heartily to God's call rather than following the examples of Moses and Jonah.  If you know of any examples that we ought to follow, please remind me of them!