Recognizing True Love

If love is the essence of true romance, then we should learn to recognize true love.  It is also different from the picture most people have--not because their picture is false, but because it does not go "behind the scenes."

From what I can gather, God decided that this past year was a great time for me to learn about love.  (There were too many lessons to enumerate right now, but several of them have appeared on here in the past six months or so.)  The summer was a time of intensive Bible study and talking with my mother about what God expects of women.  Along the way, we looked deeply into some New Testament passages on Christian virtue, including I Corinthians 13.  There lay the key to recognizing true love.

Years before, one of the elders in our home church had preached every night for a week on building strong marriages.  He spent a great deal of time on I Corinthians 13.  I really remember very little of what he said, but I do remember "The Love Test."  It works to assess either individual virtue or the health of a particular relationship with this test.  He said to insert your name every time charity or love is mentioned in verses 4-8 in order to assess whether you are truly loving.  If married, add your spouse's name as an object of the action.

• [Blank] is patient and kind.
• [Blank] does not envy or boast.
• [Blank] is not arrogant or rude.
• [Blank] does not insist on his/her own way.
• [Blank] is not irritable or resentful.
• [Blank] does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
• [Blank] bears all things.
• [Blank] believes all things.
• [Blank] hopes all things.
• [Blank] endures all things.
• [Blank] never stops [doing all of these things].

There are many things that appear to be love at first glance.  Physical attraction can masquerade as love, but it cannot last alone through the accumulation of wrinkles that come with the difficulties of life.  Emotional connection creates the electricity and fun of flirtation, but it is an inconstant phantom that can redirect at any time (and often does).  Intellectual commonality alone is a dry and dusty business that does not comprehend the true beauty of love.  Spiritual agreement creates brotherly love and fellowship in Christ, but it cannot fully explain romance.

After having studied the love chapter, I remember giving my mom a list of people I know and the virtues I saw in them.  In place of the thorough analysis I expected, she sent me a succinct reply that I will never forget: "But the greatest of these is......"

True love is none of these things by themselves, yet it is compounded of them all.  It is broader and deeper and richer than any other sort of human fellowship.  Perhaps that is just it. . . .  Love is fellowship with another soul.  It can only be had by forgetting oneself--the hopes and dreams and needs and wants wrapped up in the soul--to seek out a true and deep understanding of another soul.  Focusing on another soul.  Considering what might be to that other person's benefit without reference to whether it would satisfy oneself or not.  Giving careful attention to what they say or think in an attempt to truly understand.  Sacrificing time and even personal comfort to serve and help the other individual.  All of these things together are TRUE LOVE.

Recognizing True Romance

My wakefulness tonight reminds me of another late night about a year ago.  I lay in the bottom bunk explaining to my sister in the top one how beautiful it had been to witness an impromptu serenade in front of our dining hall that evening.  A young man at our college had chosen music as a unique way to invite his date to the Liberty Ball, our biggest dance of the year.  Even though I was merely an unsuspecting bystander, I still remember walking into the dining hall afterward with tears in my eyes and a rather daffy grin on my face.  It was such a beautiful thought . . . .

But my ever-practical sister was not enthralled.  "Leticia," she said gravely, "I hope you do not let romanticism keep you from recognizing true romance when it comes along."

"What do you mean?" I asked.  The distinction between romanticism and romance intrigued me because I had always thought of them as the same thing.  Or rather, I had not considered what romanticism really meant.

"Romanticism is a shallow substitute for true romance," she explained.  "It is what you see when the whole focus of a relationship seems to be on the outward show of romance--the girl getting flowers and posting pictures on Facebook, the guy driving an expensive car just to get her attention or holding the door open for her and then letting it slam in anyone else's face.  That is not true romance."

I was beginning to get the picture by now, but she continued.  "True romance is being best friends.  It is being willing to help and encourage rather than seeking anything for yourself.  It is each being able to enjoy the other's company without needing to talk the whole time.  It is much deeper than any sort of romanticism, no matter how attractive that might seem."

It was time for me to respond.  "Contrary to what you might think," I began, "I do actually recognize the difference between romance and romanticism now that you have explained it.  In fact, I think I always have, subconsciously.  While I love music and beautiful flowers and everything else, none of them are really worth much without true romance behind them.  Their beauty I value independently of romance.  I would still think them beautiful, in a certain way, if they were not tied to it at all because they are beautiful.  But their value in the romantic context comes from something deeper--from caring to give something beautiful to another--from love."